Enabler Behavior: Motivations, Signs, Impact, and Strategies for Change

Tell your loved one you want to keep helping them, but not in ways that enable their behavior. For example, you might offer rides to appointments but say no to giving money for gas or anything else. But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats.

• But even if all you want is to support your loved one, enabling may not contribute to the situation the way you might think it does.
• In the denial stage of enabling, the enabler tries to downplay or deny that there is a problem or that their actions are potentially harmful and unhealthy.
• You might experience bitterness toward the person you’re “helping.” That resentment can gradually erode the relationship and harm your own mental health.
• But avoiding discussion prevents you from bringing attention to the problem and helping your loved one address it in a healthy, positive way.

Missing out on things you want or need for yourself because you’re so involved with taking care of a loved one can also be a sign you’re enabling that person. Your partner has slowly started drinking more and more as stresses and responsibilities at their job have increased. You remember when they drank very little, so you tell yourself they don’t have a problem. You might tell yourself this behavior isn’t so bad or convince yourself they wouldn’t do those things if not for addiction. But avoiding discussion prevents you from bringing attention to the problem and helping your loved one address it in a healthy, positive way.

Is Being an Enabler Positive or Negative?

• For example, this might look like constantly paying off the other person’s debts or irresponsible spending habits.
• You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work.
• This could include explaining away missed work or failed responsibilities due to drug and alcohol use, or covering up for them when they’ve gotten into trouble as a result of their addiction.
• The person with the addiction will not get the help they need, and the enabler may end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Enablers often have a hard time setting personal boundaries with the person they are enabling. This can lead to situations where the enabler feels like they are being taken advantage of or used. This could also create a scenario where the person experiencing addiction is able to continue to freely engage in substance abuse in their presence. Sometimes, enablers don’t realize that they aren’t helping the other person and are allowing destructive or unhealthy behaviors to continue.

Examples of this behavior

This can make it more likely they’ll continue to behave in the same way and keep taking advantage of your help. It also makes it harder for your loved one define enabler person to ask for help, even if they know they need help to change. You may choose to believe them or agree without really believing them. You might even insist to other family or friends that everything’s fine while struggling to accept this version of truth for yourself.

As with other behaviors, you can manage and change enabling tendencies. In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time. It is difficult to compare an enabler and an abuser because they are two different things. However, enablers usually have good intentions that are misplaced, while abusers are typically trying to gain something over their victims. The behaviors of a codependent person and an enabler can often share similarities, but they are not the same. One way to stop enabling a person with a mental health disorder is by first educating yourself on their condition.

What Causes Enabling Behavior?

Taking on someone else’s responsibilities is another form of enabling behavior. Enablers step in and handle tasks a loved one should do themselves, such as job-hunting, paying rent, or cleaning up legal messes. This robs the individual of the incentive to become self-reliant or face consequences. Empowerment stands in contrast to enabling because it fosters responsibility and encourages personal growth. Help them celebrate their wins and promote healthy behaviors by doing things that are beneficial for both of you. People may engage in bad behavior for a number of different reasons.

But if they tend to use money recklessly, impulsively, or on things that could cause harm, regularly giving them money can enable this behavior. This term can be stigmatizing since there’s often negative judgment attached to it. The term “enabler” generally describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior. Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict.

We may think we’re helping someone by enabling them, but we need to understand that we’re only making the problem worse. Even though we might have the best of intentions, we need to recognize the harm we’re causing and take steps to break the cycle—for the person’s own good as well as our own. Your resentment may be directed more toward your loved one, toward the situation, both, or even yourself. You might feel hurt and angry about spending so much time trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to appreciate you.

One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness. It’s actually about getting sober, and dumping every enabler in her life. These enablers “can’t be bought in a hurry at the local cash-and-carry” as one European politician put it to me. He said more job opportunities and a reliable transport service – including an upgrade to the runway – would be an “enabler”.

Ignoring or tolerating problematic behavior

Sometimes, the enabling happens even though the enabler doesn’t mean it to or doesn’t realize that they’re doing it. But substance misuse is only one context; enabling can happen in any scenario where a person’s harmful conduct goes unaddressed, ignored, or even indirectly supported. It is important for enablers to seek their own professional help alongside their loved one who is struggling with substance abuse. This can help break the cycle, establish healthy boundaries and coping skills, as well as create a healthier relationship between the two individuals.

Many enablers will not verbally acknowledge that their loved one has a substance abuse problem. Enablers often try to protect their loved ones from the consequences of their addiction. This might look like bailing them out of jail or paying for damages they’ve caused while under the influence. In some cases, an enabler might even take on the person’s responsibilities in order to keep things running smoothly in their life. In the denial stage of enabling, the enabler tries to downplay or deny that there is a problem or that their actions are potentially harmful and unhealthy.

You might call your partner’s work to say they’re sick when they’re hungover or blackout drunk. Or you may call your child’s school with an excuse when they haven’t completed a term project or studied for an important exam. If you believe your loved one is looking for attention, you might hope ignoring the behavior will remove their incentive to continue.

Understanding Enabling Behavior

Enabling actions are often intended to help and support a loved one. It could be difficult to argue or distance yourself from them, but this can help them face their challenges, which in turn would make it more likely that they seek help to overcome them. You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work. This can also include larger obligations, like caring for a sick relative.